How Hollywood would screw up… #1 – Warhammer 40K

In this hypothetical movie:

The Orks would not have cockney accents.

Justin Bieber would be cast as Malcador Sigilite and have a prominent role in the 41st millenium.

The Sisters of Battle would all wear Power Armor bikinis and use melee weapons primarily. But there would be no chainswords.

There would be an Eldar Farseer and Black Templar space marine romantic subplot

Chaos would be given all the comic relief. In a movie with Orks.

The Space Marine main character’s first scene would be him waking up next to some naked babe. Also, he would be shorter than said normal human woman.

Orks with french accents instead of cockney accents.

The word ‘dakka’ would not be not used once.

The Emperor will make an appearance. No, not in a flashback and not in a trippy vision quest. Also, he would be played by Mike Myers.

The moral lesson is: ‘Love makes the universe go round’. In Warhammer 40-friggen-k.

A hormagaunt begs for its life.


The Inquisition would consider a Commissar shooting one of his own men unacceptable (or at least unusual).

Slaanesh would be a giant space-worm-cloud-monster a la Galactus from the second Fantastic Four movie.

The Eldar would access the webway through dancing. (I could almost accept it for the Harlequins – it’d still be stupid, but not entirely unbelievable – but not the average eldar)

Did I mention the Orks in the movie in my head DON’T HAVE COCKNEY ACCENTS?! *grinds teeth*

Khorne would fight with a pair of daggers and Tzeentch would not backstab anyone the whole movie.

Exterminatus would be used in the movie, but it would be ordered by the Eldar.

There will be more CG than Green Lantern, even in scenes when it’s not called for, such as when a commissar calls a Kasrkin into his office. And even when it is called for, the CG will be WORSE than GL.

Space Marines would primarily use Lasguns and lightsabers. (The latter I could let slide if the rest of the movie were good. The former, no. Just no.)

The Orks will never yell ‘WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH’.

Let’s hear YOUR ideas on how Warhammer 40k would be screwed up by Hollywood 😛 Leave a comment, reblog, or like! Love you all!


3 comments on “How Hollywood would screw up… #1 – Warhammer 40K

  1. Grizzlee says:

    To me, hollywood would mess up everything about the universe. They would dumb down the darkness of the universe with comedy at the wrong moments. Instead of dark warlike comedy, there would be plain crappy hollywood comedy. There would also be stories of love between characters that shouldn’t, imperial guard and other groups that do that in the books would be fine. Orks feeling remorse and sorrow? I think not. They would kill it for me.

  2. Logan Snider says:

    I can give you 3 that they will totally use because these bastards are predictable!!
    1) The movie will be filled with sex. Everybody gets laid including the Space Marines and Sisters of Battle. This has been a reoccurring trend in pretty much all Hollywood movies during the past twenty years.
    2) The Space Marine Heros will have fatal internal flaws embedded into them for the sake of drama but not story as the film progresses. These flaws will either be cowardice or regret, the two things they almost NEVER show and their is a good reason for that!!
    3) Hollywood will type cast all the main leads with popular faces like Dwayne Johnson even though they aren’t, appearance wise, space marines. Then again Dwayne Johnson could probably pass as a Salamander if they give him red contact lenses.

    • halftangible says:

      Dwayne the rock Johnson would make for the cheapest space-marineing (since he’s already huge) so yeah, he’ll be a space marine.

      I fully expect them to do the whole ‘space marine skin color changes in response to the enviornment’ thing in as distasteful a fashion as possible, too.

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