How Hollywood would screw up… #2 – Animorphs

Sorry about the lateness on this one – christmas week, ya know. But hey, still Friday!

Everyone’s surnames will be revealed in the first 10 minutes.

All 54 main books will be played out in a single 2 hour movie. WITH the perspective switches. Yeah, and you thought The Last Airbender was rushed.

The role of David will be played by Shia Lebouf, and he will be perfectly justified in trying to destroy the other Animorphs.

Crayak will have the voice of the guy that did that metrosexual sea serpent from My Little Pony. And yes, with THAT voice.

The Yeerks will have their origin reprised: they worshipped the Andalites as gods, until a rogue sect of them turned atheist and decided to kill the gods. Seerow does absolutely nothing at all to uplift them. (The Law of Seerow’s kindness is still a thing, but is now called ‘the Prime Directive’)

The actions the Animorphs react to what they have to do to the Yeerks will make you think THEY were supposed to be the villians of their books.

The morphing sequence will be the worst looking CGi in the history of CGi. As in, Superman 4’s bluescreen effects will be LAUGHING at it. Which is especially terrible considering that morphing is kind of the whole dang point.

Elfangor would live and play the role of Zordon. Also, he would tell Tobias that he was his father when they first met.

Visser 3 won’t be voiced by James Earl Jones.

Hork-Bajir would be cannibalistic vampires. And they would sparkle.

The Animorphs B-Team would STILL not get to do anything.

While morphed into a Taxxon for an infiltration mission, Tobias would get out of eating one of the human prisoners by claiming he’s on a diet and NOBODY would question it.

Cassie would be white, smoke pot behind her parent’s barn, and she would delight in bloodshed.. Also she would be Kristen Stewart.

Tobias would have a perfectly reasonable and happy home life and still be okay with life as a hawk. On top of that, the ambiguity given to us in the series over whether or not he did so on purpose would be removed completely.

Marco will be the biggest stick-in-the-mud in the entire movie and will not crack a SINGLE joke.

The ant will be the team’s favorite infiltration morph.

Ax will be called a Prince in this movie because he’s related to Prince Elfangor.

Jake will attempt to strangle Cassie, a la the Doctor in the Twin Dilemma (one of the worst doctor who episodes ever, or so I’m told, and what little I’ve seen of it seems to support that) and Cassie will then make out with him.

The Ellimist will be played by Will Ferrel.

Ax will die killing Tom instead of Rachel. While in his mixed-ethnicity morph.

While I’m at it, Ax will be the only member of the Animorphs that isn’t white.

Rachel will be turned into pure, helpless bimbo damsel-in-distress eye candy instead of badass berserker borderline-psychopathic eyecandy.

I was about to put ‘M.Night Shyamalan would direct’ before I remembered that a slow pace and joyless tone would be just the kind of thing Animorphs would do well. So instead I’ll say ‘M.Night Shyamalan would direct but would NOT cameo as Visser 3’s human form.’

Tom will be a voluntary controller.

The Morphing Cube will be replaced by a blue pill/red pill scenario. No, this is not even a matrix parody, just a straight rip-off.

It will be impossible to remain clothed when morphing (even the skintight stuff).

Also, there will be a love triangle between David, Jake and Rachel and they will NOT change the fact that Jake and Rachel are cousins.

The scene where Erek kills will be shown.

The Chee will not help the Animorphs until their dog sanctuary is burned down by the Yeerks.

The Chee will have killed the Pemalites to prevent them from exterminating the galaxy, and sworn off of violence in an attempt to make up for that.

Cassie and Jake will end up together at the end, but the actors will have absolutely no chemistry and there will be no build-up to this payoff at all. In fact, for those amongst the audience who didn’t read the books, the scene where they declare their love and kiss will be the first hint we have that they even liked each other.

Visser 3 will have a change of heart at the end of the series and willingly surrender.

It will be a musical. Scratch that, it’ll be a musical and Visser 3 won’t have a song!!!!!

5 comments on “How Hollywood would screw up… #2 – Animorphs

  1. Sam says:

    Sooo much of this is so funny and spot-on, but a couple of items I’d actually see no problem with.

    “Everyone’s surnames will be revealed in the first 10 minutes.”
    If they’re not writing it down, if it’s a movie and you can see their faces, then why not reveal their surnames? Now that I’m no longer twelve, I can admit that the whole “We’re writing down every single thing we’re doing and all kinds of details about our lives, but just leaving out our last names and the specific name of our (obviously American, coastal suburban) town” thing was kind of a lame gimmick anyway.

    “It will be impossible to remain clothed when morphing (even the skintight stuff).”
    That never made sense to begin with. Spandex doesn’t have DNA! I would actually prefer it if they couldn’t morph clothes. It would make it a little easier to suspend disbelief, and it would give them more of a challenge. Also, can you imagine the sexual tension?

    Anyway, Visser 3 should totally have a song. About cats. And eating people.

    • halftangible says:

      The implication is supposed to be something like ‘names have been changed to protect the innocent.’ Sure, it’s silly, but it’s part of the world’s mythology.

      We find out later that the morphing cube sends excess mass and body parts from your default form into Z-Space when you morph (hence why, for instance, Rachel can’t even out her hair or fix her broken arm). That one was supposed to highlight hollywood’s apparent fascination with getting its characters nude for no reason.

      Visser 3’s song number would not only take up time (that’s already going to be hypercondensed from doing all 54 books in one movie) but also be ridiculous enough that oh who am I kidding yes, i want to see Visser 3 sing O_O

    • halftangible says:

      EDIT: Oh, and ‘sexual tension’ from nudity would not be a good thing at all considering that everyone in this story is supposed to be a teenager 😛

  2. Noah says:

    You know what would be even worse? If they give it the “World War Z” treatment. As in, they keep the title and nothing else.

    The Animorphs are now genetically-engineered military supersoldiers, and they are all in their mid-to-late 20s so the inevitable sex scene will be less creepy. Cassie and Marco are now white.

    There are no aliens in this movie. Visser Three is now an Al Qaeda terrorist, and the Yeerks are a virus he created as a biological weapon. Elfangor and Ax have been deleted altogether.

    Also, there will be lots of shaky cam, desaturated colors, and lens flares.

    • halftangible says:

      … Yeah. Yeah, you’re right, that would be worse… though I imagine (read: ‘hope’) even Hollywood isn’t stupid enough to do that.

      After all, removing aliens from the equation would remove more than half of the plotlines in the book and require a serious explanation as to why a biological weapon that powerful isn’t just being released into the water supply or something.

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