How Hollywood would ruin #3: Dota 2

Antimage would speak in a southern accent and his quest to eliminate magic would be a metaphor for racial cleansing about as thinly veiled as yo momma last night.

The puns would be even worse than in the game.

Clinkz would be paired with Crystal Maiden instead of Lina (Best ship!) and that would be the stated reason that they hate each other. Because nobody can understand a sibling rivalry, right? *twitch* No, gotta make it about who’s gonna get boned… pun intended.

The two sides would be referred to as the Scourge and the Sentinel as readily as the Dire and the Radiant.

It would fail the Bechdel test. I mean sure, the female designs are skimpy enough to raise an eyebr0w, but there’s enough females and life-threatening danger on the fields of strife to warrant talking about SOMETHING other than how awesome Sven’s ult would be in bed.

Kunnka would be played by Johnny Depp, Rubick would be played by Shia Lebouf and Dragon Knight would be played by… WHAT DO YOU MEAN DRAGON KNIGHT ISN’T IN THIS MOVIE?!

‘Champions’.

Vin Diesel would be in the movie, but he would be playing Puck. The faerie dragon.

Tim Burton would direct in his signature gloomy gothic style. (Honestly I’d be kind of interested to see his interpretation of the Dire, but unfortunately he’d also have to do the Radiant)

Meepo would create illusions of himself. (for those of you taking notes, that’s Phantom Lancer’s job. Meepo creates full-on clones)

Phantom Assassin would serve the hidden ones.

Speaking of which, every character with ‘assassin’ in their name would feel bad about killing people for no reason.

Lifestealer would have a Jekyll-Hyde relationship. Which wouldn’t be so bad if he would call the other half ‘master’.

There will not be a single teamfight in the entire film.

Broodmother will be humanoid (think spider-centaur – I’m sure they have a name of some kind… Drider, that was it!) and the stereotypical doting grandmother.

Terrorblade and anti-mage will be brothers.

Basic plot: The Radiant and Dire ancients must unite to stop the Elder Titan from summoning the dark Weaver who will unmake all of reality.

Timbersaw will be eager to run towards the trees. OUTSIDE of his battlesuit. Also, he’ll regularly be called ‘Rumble’

Drow will be called a ‘black elf’ throughout the movie and wear that stupid cosmetic set with the cat ears. She will also be played by K$sha. You may start shooting me now.

Black Elf Ranger will be referred to as ‘not-Ashe’ and they will never explain who Ashe is.

Invoker will fill the wise, humble mentor role a la Iroh from Avatar. (for those of you who don’t know, Invoker’s ego is only slightly smaller than the known universe)

The movie will end with the Ancients reconciling their differences.

Silencer will have more lines than anyone else in the film. And NOT because he shut everyone else up.

Sand King will work out of Burger King. Also, Burger King will be in this movie.

There will be less story than a 20 minute match of Dota. And twice as much cursing.

Tiny will shrink over the course of the movie.

Roshan will be a dust cloud from space.

The mad moon will still be in the sky.

Do you agree with my list? Are there any things YOU think Hollywood would screw up about our favorite franchises? What franchise would you like me to do next? Lemme know in the comment section!… Because I don’t get anywhere near enough comments =(

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2 comments on “How Hollywood would ruin #3: Dota 2

  1. Morell says:

    Terrorblade and antimage are brothers from start of dota itself. In fact, they have something in common. XD
    But you really got me with invoker and silencer.

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