Prompt: “10 things I believe”

10. We are living in the golden age of humanity that most apocalypse stories look back on fondly, and that’s fucking depressing.

9. When writing a promiscuous character, there must be something interesting about them that has nothing to do with sex, as well as a reason that they wouldn’t have sex, in order for them to be interesting.

8. Sex is as bad for you as drugs.

7. The fanfic ‘Harmony Theory’ is the actual future of the main MLP storyline… well okay, this is more ‘something I wish’, but still.

6. There’s nothing wrong with capitalism… except for black Friday, but that’s not so much the system’s fault, since it’s largely caused by massive sales starting Black Friday instead of… ya know… THE WEEK OF THANKSGIVING. (seriously people, I get that everyone wants to visit their families on thanksgiving, but PEOPLE ARE DIEING, extend the sale a bit and have people work on thanksgiving so there’s not as much of a mad rush!)

5. Price Gouging is like amputation: it sounds and looks harsh as fuck, but it saves lives.

4. One day, when I’m ultra famous, someone’s going to go trawling through the internet, find this list and use it to publicly smear me because some people are assholes.

3. Earth’s history is moving as close to a proper anarchist society as it can manage, which is pretty good, but it’ll be at least a few more centuries before we don’t need the state, and a¬†millennium after that before we actually get rid of it.

2. The only thing worse for your soul than politics is to talk about politics.

1. Uther from Warcraft 3 is an idiot.

An Open Letter to David Goyer

Dear Mr. Goyer,

I’ll keep this brief.

DC is ashamed of it’s heroes. Many people, including you, seem to believe that superheroes need to shirk off the childishness of the comic book age and embrace dark and gritty realism and false maturity. The kind of fake-ass ‘maturity’ that turns Man of Steel into a grey, lifeless murk where Superman absolutely must kill his first villain, and then in the very next scene smiles brightly while someone makes a joke about how sexy he is. And yes, it IS false, despite your protests to the contrary.

Marvel embraces its own ludicrous premises and runs with them. They decided that the best way to attract an audience is to charge into the comic book silliness of superheroing with wild abandon. The kind of abandon that turns the Guardians of the Galaxy (one of those so-called D-Listers you seem to despise so much) into an actual movie. Any dumbass can make a Superman film and sell it for millions – Guardians features a TREE that can only say three words, and a raccoon who’s dating an otter.

And one of the stars of Doctor Who – who the fanbase liked, by the way – shaved her head and painted herself blue to get into that movie.

See, maturity is not when you decide to grow up and act like an adult – maturity is when you decide for yourself what being an adult actually means and hang whatever anyone else thinks. DC’s acting the part of an adult, Marvel’s¬†being an adult.

That’s why DC is tanking and Marvel is currently all but printing money.

I’d have also pointed out the obvious, but by the time you read this you’ll probably have been told what’s wrong with your comments on She-Hulk a dozen times over, and I don’t feel like being redundant today. (Also, I am quite possibly the LEAST qualified person on this planet to talk about gender issues)

Sincerely,
David Louis Burton
A guy who once used the name ‘Bullsbomb’ and currently goes by ‘HalfTangible’

PS. Wait, if the only people who have heard about Martian Manhunter are lonely comic nerds who will never get laid why do you know so much about-…. think i just answered my own question there.

PPS. And Martian Manhunter is no sillier a name than Superman or Batman.

Prompt: The Reason You Suck Speech

Write a “The Reason you suck” speech that one of your characters would give, had they been present in the last scene you read that called for one.

“Do you know why treason (through murder, especially) is considered the worst crime in existence, and war is considered a diplomatic maneuver?… The reason is really quite simple. See, a person can almost respect an enemy, no matter what horrible deeds they perform. ‘They’re our enemy’, they’ll say. ‘Of course they’ll do that’. It takes real balls to tell someone that you’re their enemy and you will do everything in your power to destroy them.

Traitors, on the other hand, pretend to be your friend. They’ll saddle up, have a few drinks… and when you’re too calm around them to even keep your guards around, then they’ll kill you. A traitor doesn’t even have the balls to tell you that they hate you and want to see you dead.

Oh, but you’re even worse than that. See, plenty of traitors simply have the conviction that what they do is right, and just keep it secret until it’s impossible. Think John Wilkes Booth, or Brutus. The former yelled ‘Death to the tyrants’ before he fled like a coward. But Brutus had enough of a spine to not only confess his crimes, but to explain them in such a way that he expected to get off. But no, you just planned in secret, expecting to be an unsolved murder for the rest of eternity. You didn’t even have enough of a spine to confess.

And Brutus regretted it. He had the heart to care about what he was doing – he knew he was doing wrong and he accepted it. After all, it’s one thing to kill your best friend – it’s another to let your best friend become a scourge upon your nation. Booth? He had a fierce, fervent belief that he was doing the right thing. Sure, he was wrong and evil and all that, but he believed in what he was doing.

And here, we have the worst part of your betrayal. You didn’t even manage that.

You didn’t believe in what you were doing. You didn’t even have the decency to be as good as Booth. Let me repeat that: JOHN WILKES BOOTH – a man who murdered the leader of a free nation because he wanted slaves – was a better man than you. You killed a wonderful, innocent, intelligent hero of this land who was about to lead your world into a golden age… because you didn’t like that she got power and you didn’t. You didn’t even have the spirit to fight for a cause.

And if you don’t have spirit, heart, spine or balls, then what good are you?”

A little wordier than I’d like, and bringing Booth in may be a bit controversial, but I think it works.

Prompt: “Favourite super hero?”

Captain America. Specifically the MCU one, since I don’t read comics.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I grew up with the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited cartoons, I love me some DC. Batman’s friggen awesome, and Superman is just too good not to like. However, I believe Captain America occupies a middle ground between the two that overall just makes him more awesome.

Steve Rogers started out as a mopey, weak kid with no combat ability whatsoever. After seeing him in his first movie, many speculated that he had survived Polio, which was why he was so sickly and scrawny looking.

However, despite all of that he applied to join the military four separate times (i think – don’t remember the exact number) because he wanted to stop a country run by bullies. He didn’t want to kill Nazis, he didn’t want to ‘serve america’ or go off to win some glory for himself. He wanted to go and put a stop to a world-conquering bully, and that’s… just perfect. That’s exactly what I want to see in a superhero.

This is a guy who will throw himself onto a grenade (admittedly kind of dumb considering no one was in any danger from it anymore) to save the people around him without the super-soldier serum. Steve Rogers would behave like a hero even if he didn’t gain superpowers, and that’s what made him the perfect candidate for the super soldier serum.

I like Batman’s dark vengeance shtick and all, but it’s nice to have a guy who’s just plain good. And yes, Superman is ‘just plain good’, but he’s also invincible. Captain America strikes a fine balance between the two – someone who’s vulnerable enough for there to be tension, but good enough to be someone you want to idolize and imitate… okay maybe not imitate, but you get the idea. Superman in Batman’s body.

There’s also one particular even in one of the few comics I know anything about: Ultimatum. It’s a terrible comic, but there are some good moments in it. Partway through the story, Thor and Captain America are fighting an undead army led by Hel to retrieve the former’s lover. Hel has agreed to give up the soul of Valkyrie for revival, but only in trade for another soul. Cap decides that he should do it, since Thor went in there to save Valkyrie and, as he points out, it doesn’t make sense for Thor to stay if he came to bring her back in the first place.

Compassionate, logical, and perfectly willing to make that kind of sacrifice. THAT, my friends, is a fucking superhero.

And, less importantly, I like that Cap is a sort of timeless American hero. I mean sure, he’s named after the country and he’s got the flag on his chest, it’s not like you can avoid being political about this kind of hero, but that’s not what I mean. I mean that ultimately, Cap represents the American ideal over its reality. And let’s be honest – most of the time, an ideal that a country strives for is something most definitely worth fighting for, even if its reality doesn’t always match up. Captain America is a freedom-loving patriot who wants nothing more than to ensure your freedom and to do the right thing.

Oh, and we can’t forget the shield. It’s a great piece of symbolism that Cap’s most important and iconic weapon is also one invented for defense. He uses it beautifully as a weapon of attack, and no one in their right mind would call his shield anything but a weapon, but it’s still a shield, a tool made to defend the user. That’s great symbolism right there.

And sure, the MCU hasn’t given him much of an arc, but personally I don’t think he really needs one. The guy’s a compassionate hero that does everything in his power to be good. The external conflict of Nazis and people that might as well be named ‘McBadguy’ is good enough. Captain America is compassionate, intelligent, strong, and everything good about the place he’s named after. I’m sure there’s something more you could ask of a superhero, but I can’t think of anything.