How Hollywood would ruin #3: Dota 2

Antimage would speak in a southern accent and his quest to eliminate magic would be a metaphor for racial cleansing about as thinly veiled as yo momma last night.

The puns would be even worse than in the game.

Clinkz would be paired with Crystal Maiden instead of Lina (Best ship!) and that would be the stated reason that they hate each other. Because nobody can understand a sibling rivalry, right? *twitch* No, gotta make it about who’s gonna get boned… pun intended.

The two sides would be referred to as the Scourge and the Sentinel as readily as the Dire and the Radiant.

It would fail the Bechdel test. I mean sure, the female designs are skimpy enough to raise an eyebr0w, but there’s enough females and life-threatening danger on the fields of strife to warrant talking about SOMETHING other than how awesome Sven’s ult would be in bed.

Kunnka would be played by Johnny Depp, Rubick would be played by Shia Lebouf and Dragon Knight would be played by… WHAT DO YOU MEAN DRAGON KNIGHT ISN’T IN THIS MOVIE?!

‘Champions’.

Vin Diesel would be in the movie, but he would be playing Puck. The faerie dragon.

Tim Burton would direct in his signature gloomy gothic style. (Honestly I’d be kind of interested to see his interpretation of the Dire, but unfortunately he’d also have to do the Radiant)

Meepo would create illusions of himself. (for those of you taking notes, that’s Phantom Lancer’s job. Meepo creates full-on clones)

Phantom Assassin would serve the hidden ones.

Speaking of which, every character with ‘assassin’ in their name would feel bad about killing people for no reason.

Lifestealer would have a Jekyll-Hyde relationship. Which wouldn’t be so bad if he would call the other half ‘master’.

There will not be a single teamfight in the entire film.

Broodmother will be humanoid (think spider-centaur – I’m sure they have a name of some kind… Drider, that was it!) and the stereotypical doting grandmother.

Terrorblade and anti-mage will be brothers.

Basic plot: The Radiant and Dire ancients must unite to stop the Elder Titan from summoning the dark Weaver who will unmake all of reality.

Timbersaw will be eager to run towards the trees. OUTSIDE of his battlesuit. Also, he’ll regularly be called ‘Rumble’

Drow will be called a ‘black elf’ throughout the movie and wear that stupid cosmetic set with the cat ears. She will also be played by K$sha. You may start shooting me now.

Black Elf Ranger will be referred to as ‘not-Ashe’ and they will never explain who Ashe is.

Invoker will fill the wise, humble mentor role a la Iroh from Avatar. (for those of you who don’t know, Invoker’s ego is only slightly smaller than the known universe)

The movie will end with the Ancients reconciling their differences.

Silencer will have more lines than anyone else in the film. And NOT because he shut everyone else up.

Sand King will work out of Burger King. Also, Burger King will be in this movie.

There will be less story than a 20 minute match of Dota. And twice as much cursing.

Tiny will shrink over the course of the movie.

Roshan will be a dust cloud from space.

The mad moon will still be in the sky.

Do you agree with my list? Are there any things YOU think Hollywood would screw up about our favorite franchises? What franchise would you like me to do next? Lemme know in the comment section!… Because I don’t get anywhere near enough comments =(

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How Hollywood would screw up… #2 – Animorphs

Sorry about the lateness on this one – christmas week, ya know. But hey, still Friday!

Everyone’s surnames will be revealed in the first 10 minutes.

All 54 main books will be played out in a single 2 hour movie. WITH the perspective switches. Yeah, and you thought The Last Airbender was rushed.

The role of David will be played by Shia Lebouf, and he will be perfectly justified in trying to destroy the other Animorphs.

Crayak will have the voice of the guy that did that metrosexual sea serpent from My Little Pony. And yes, with THAT voice.

The Yeerks will have their origin reprised: they worshipped the Andalites as gods, until a rogue sect of them turned atheist and decided to kill the gods. Seerow does absolutely nothing at all to uplift them. (The Law of Seerow’s kindness is still a thing, but is now called ‘the Prime Directive’)

The actions the Animorphs react to what they have to do to the Yeerks will make you think THEY were supposed to be the villians of their books.

The morphing sequence will be the worst looking CGi in the history of CGi. As in, Superman 4’s bluescreen effects will be LAUGHING at it. Which is especially terrible considering that morphing is kind of the whole dang point.

Elfangor would live and play the role of Zordon. Also, he would tell Tobias that he was his father when they first met.

Visser 3 won’t be voiced by James Earl Jones.

Hork-Bajir would be cannibalistic vampires. And they would sparkle.

The Animorphs B-Team would STILL not get to do anything.

While morphed into a Taxxon for an infiltration mission, Tobias would get out of eating one of the human prisoners by claiming he’s on a diet and NOBODY would question it.

Cassie would be white, smoke pot behind her parent’s barn, and she would delight in bloodshed.. Also she would be Kristen Stewart.

Tobias would have a perfectly reasonable and happy home life and still be okay with life as a hawk. On top of that, the ambiguity given to us in the series over whether or not he did so on purpose would be removed completely.

Marco will be the biggest stick-in-the-mud in the entire movie and will not crack a SINGLE joke.

The ant will be the team’s favorite infiltration morph.

Ax will be called a Prince in this movie because he’s related to Prince Elfangor.

Jake will attempt to strangle Cassie, a la the Doctor in the Twin Dilemma (one of the worst doctor who episodes ever, or so I’m told, and what little I’ve seen of it seems to support that) and Cassie will then make out with him.

The Ellimist will be played by Will Ferrel.

Ax will die killing Tom instead of Rachel. While in his mixed-ethnicity morph.

While I’m at it, Ax will be the only member of the Animorphs that isn’t white.

Rachel will be turned into pure, helpless bimbo damsel-in-distress eye candy instead of badass berserker borderline-psychopathic eyecandy.

I was about to put ‘M.Night Shyamalan would direct’ before I remembered that a slow pace and joyless tone would be just the kind of thing Animorphs would do well. So instead I’ll say ‘M.Night Shyamalan would direct but would NOT cameo as Visser 3’s human form.’

Tom will be a voluntary controller.

The Morphing Cube will be replaced by a blue pill/red pill scenario. No, this is not even a matrix parody, just a straight rip-off.

It will be impossible to remain clothed when morphing (even the skintight stuff).

Also, there will be a love triangle between David, Jake and Rachel and they will NOT change the fact that Jake and Rachel are cousins.

The scene where Erek kills will be shown.

The Chee will not help the Animorphs until their dog sanctuary is burned down by the Yeerks.

The Chee will have killed the Pemalites to prevent them from exterminating the galaxy, and sworn off of violence in an attempt to make up for that.

Cassie and Jake will end up together at the end, but the actors will have absolutely no chemistry and there will be no build-up to this payoff at all. In fact, for those amongst the audience who didn’t read the books, the scene where they declare their love and kiss will be the first hint we have that they even liked each other.

Visser 3 will have a change of heart at the end of the series and willingly surrender.

It will be a musical. Scratch that, it’ll be a musical and Visser 3 won’t have a song!!!!!

How Hollywood would screw up… #1 – Warhammer 40K

In this hypothetical movie:

The Orks would not have cockney accents.

Justin Bieber would be cast as Malcador Sigilite and have a prominent role in the 41st millenium.

The Sisters of Battle would all wear Power Armor bikinis and use melee weapons primarily. But there would be no chainswords.

There would be an Eldar Farseer and Black Templar space marine romantic subplot

Chaos would be given all the comic relief. In a movie with Orks.

The Space Marine main character’s first scene would be him waking up next to some naked babe. Also, he would be shorter than said normal human woman.

Orks with french accents instead of cockney accents.

The word ‘dakka’ would not be not used once.

The Emperor will make an appearance. No, not in a flashback and not in a trippy vision quest. Also, he would be played by Mike Myers.

The moral lesson is: ‘Love makes the universe go round’. In Warhammer 40-friggen-k.

A hormagaunt begs for its life.

THE ORKZ DON’T GOTS COCKNEY ACCENTS.

The Inquisition would consider a Commissar shooting one of his own men unacceptable (or at least unusual).

Slaanesh would be a giant space-worm-cloud-monster a la Galactus from the second Fantastic Four movie.

The Eldar would access the webway through dancing. (I could almost accept it for the Harlequins – it’d still be stupid, but not entirely unbelievable – but not the average eldar)

Did I mention the Orks in the movie in my head DON’T HAVE COCKNEY ACCENTS?! *grinds teeth*

Khorne would fight with a pair of daggers and Tzeentch would not backstab anyone the whole movie.

Exterminatus would be used in the movie, but it would be ordered by the Eldar.

There will be more CG than Green Lantern, even in scenes when it’s not called for, such as when a commissar calls a Kasrkin into his office. And even when it is called for, the CG will be WORSE than GL.

Space Marines would primarily use Lasguns and lightsabers. (The latter I could let slide if the rest of the movie were good. The former, no. Just no.)

The Orks will never yell ‘WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH’.

Let’s hear YOUR ideas on how Warhammer 40k would be screwed up by Hollywood 😛 Leave a comment, reblog, or like! Love you all!