A Poem for a Playground

In my dreams I can still feel you breathing
My thoughts always turn to your old place
You’ll only be gone for seven days,
But it never feels like that’s the case

The friends we shared, the laughs that you brought me
Just fade away, like the darkest night
Though I know that I need you per say,
I do still wish I could find the light.

Without you something in my life’s missing,
And it’s only now that sounds creepy.
Cringing, I …. just realized I’m writing a poem about how much I miss a website. I have problems, man.

How Hollywood would ruin #3: Dota 2

Antimage would speak in a southern accent and his quest to eliminate magic would be a metaphor for racial cleansing about as thinly veiled as yo momma last night.

The puns would be even worse than in the game.

Clinkz would be paired with Crystal Maiden instead of Lina (Best ship!) and that would be the stated reason that they hate each other. Because nobody can understand a sibling rivalry, right? *twitch* No, gotta make it about who’s gonna get boned… pun intended.

The two sides would be referred to as the Scourge and the Sentinel as readily as the Dire and the Radiant.

It would fail the Bechdel test. I mean sure, the female designs are skimpy enough to raise an eyebr0w, but there’s enough females and life-threatening danger on the fields of strife to warrant talking about SOMETHING other than how awesome Sven’s ult would be in bed.

Kunnka would be played by Johnny Depp, Rubick would be played by Shia Lebouf and Dragon Knight would be played by… WHAT DO YOU MEAN DRAGON KNIGHT ISN’T IN THIS MOVIE?!

‘Champions’.

Vin Diesel would be in the movie, but he would be playing Puck. The faerie dragon.

Tim Burton would direct in his signature gloomy gothic style. (Honestly I’d be kind of interested to see his interpretation of the Dire, but unfortunately he’d also have to do the Radiant)

Meepo would create illusions of himself. (for those of you taking notes, that’s Phantom Lancer’s job. Meepo creates full-on clones)

Phantom Assassin would serve the hidden ones.

Speaking of which, every character with ‘assassin’ in their name would feel bad about killing people for no reason.

Lifestealer would have a Jekyll-Hyde relationship. Which wouldn’t be so bad if he would call the other half ‘master’.

There will not be a single teamfight in the entire film.

Broodmother will be humanoid (think spider-centaur – I’m sure they have a name of some kind… Drider, that was it!) and the stereotypical doting grandmother.

Terrorblade and anti-mage will be brothers.

Basic plot: The Radiant and Dire ancients must unite to stop the Elder Titan from summoning the dark Weaver who will unmake all of reality.

Timbersaw will be eager to run towards the trees. OUTSIDE of his battlesuit. Also, he’ll regularly be called ‘Rumble’

Drow will be called a ‘black elf’ throughout the movie and wear that stupid cosmetic set with the cat ears. She will also be played by K$sha. You may start shooting me now.

Black Elf Ranger will be referred to as ‘not-Ashe’ and they will never explain who Ashe is.

Invoker will fill the wise, humble mentor role a la Iroh from Avatar. (for those of you who don’t know, Invoker’s ego is only slightly smaller than the known universe)

The movie will end with the Ancients reconciling their differences.

Silencer will have more lines than anyone else in the film. And NOT because he shut everyone else up.

Sand King will work out of Burger King. Also, Burger King will be in this movie.

There will be less story than a 20 minute match of Dota. And twice as much cursing.

Tiny will shrink over the course of the movie.

Roshan will be a dust cloud from space.

The mad moon will still be in the sky.

—

Do you agree with my list? Are there any things YOU think Hollywood would screw up about our favorite franchises? What franchise would you like me to do next? Lemme know in the comment section!… Because I don’t get anywhere near enough comments =(

Prototype Scene: The Aurora Wood

[This is a scene from my current rough draft for Chronicles of Hodra. This is one of several scenes to occur in the Aurora Wood from last time. In it, the Hodran are just about to attack the Horos main base. The Horos have been driven back quite a bit at this point, and are starting to lose faith in their commander, and rightly so. He’s an idiot.

I’m not sure if this scene will stay in the book, or if it will play out exactly in this manner.]

—

Where had it all gone so wrong?

Sagia remembered when they had first come here. The excitement, the confidence, the assurance of victory had long ago passed, to be replaced by fear, uncertainty and paranoia.  The Copai she had under her command were restless, and she understood perfectly well why. An animal will jump at every shadow, and a Nightworld had many shadows to jump at, even for Horos.

“What if we collapse that tree?” Copai 7 suggested. “It could block the path off, or maybe we could try and collapse it on the Hodran?”

Sagia looked to ‘that tree’ and bristled with irritation. There wasn’t enough room to place one of their Zodia mechs in the area they were guarding, so two watch towers and a small patrol had been set up. Normally they just would have leveled the crystals, but supposedly the Hodran considered it a sacred grove or something and wouldn’t attack it. She understood, but having a logical reason why you’re open to attack isn’t even remotely comforting.

At least she had twelve Copai with her. Perhaps they could be her meat shield.

“Wouldn’t work.” Copai 4 replied, pointing to the trunk. “We’d only be able to collapse it from the trunk. They’re small, quick, and live in these trees. Block the path, they’ll just climb over it or go around, and the metal men will be slowed down. Try to collapse it on them, and they’ll be inside before it lands.”

The Horos were on the run now, and everyone seemed to know it. The Hodran were animals like the Copai, and yet the Horos had been driven back. Foul sorcerey could explain quite a bit of their setbacks, but not all. It was fairly evident to her and the rest of the Horos on-base that Capric was simply incompetent.

“Well what about-”

“Would you animals cease your innane prattle?!” Sagia snarled. “You exist to serve, not to think.”

The Copai bowed their heads. “Yes, mistress.”

Sagia was quiet, trembling as she looked away. “Set up the tree to collapse anyway. Maybe we’ll get lucky.”

The planet wasn’t cold enough to make her tremble.

Sagia was beginning to doubt the mission. She would never question the Lady, of course, but she questioned how her commanders had chosen to follow Her instructions. Capric seemed the bumbling fool. Their forces were constantly thwarted and outmaneuvered, like children trying to build a particle accelerator (granted, not much room to talk, she didn’t manage it until 7) and there was absolutely no reason for it. Capric had grown eccentric, too, talking to himself in empty rooms, yelling at his aides for no apparent reason, and generally growing more unstable by the minute.

…Who was in command after Capric, again? Was it Taura? Her hand unconsciously dropped to her crossbow. Perhaps she would do a better job than this miserable-

There was a slight hum, two loud cracks, and darkness swallowed her.

She pulled out her weapon, snarling at the sudden change. The Copai were scrambling as well. She could hear them grabbing their daggers and clubs. She could hear thumps as her charges hit the ground. She fired at the minute sounds of paws on grass, but was disappointed to hear Copai 2 yell out in pain.

She had just enough time to wonder how they had turned the trees off before consciousness left her.

Story update: Aurora Wood

A week ago

Maybe I should type up my next blog post early… Midterms this week, after all.

Two days ago

I should at least START, the only things I have left are a partner letter that my partner offered to finish and a presentation on x86 computer systems…

Yesterday afternoon

Welp! Midterms are done. Should probably get on that blog post now.

Yesterday evening

Yup. Definitely something I should be doing right now… Just wish I could remember what

1:52pm Today

What was I supposed to have done by ten this mor- …SHIT!

—

Everything below is subject to change. In particular the name ‘Hodran’ will probably change.

—

A grove of crystal trees in the planet’s southern hemisphere, the Aurora Wood is a sacred place to the Hodran species. It is the only location on Hodra (outside of its volcanoes) where light shines. When a Hodran dies, their spirit wanders the surface of Hodra for a time. However, spirits eventually travel to the wood to rest. The crystalline trees of the Aurora Wood hold countless spirits within, and shaman can learn much through communicating with them. It is the final resting place of all Hodran.

During the First Contact (the Hodran’s name for their first war with the Horos) the Aurora Wood was occupied by the Horos as their main base of operations. General Capric believed that because the grove was both intact and uninhabited before their arrival, the Hodran would not attack the base with anything larger than a strike force for fear of damaging the trees. In addition, the trees gave off a bright glow that would allow his soldiers to see more clearly while keeping the Hodran wary.

—

The Aurora wood features prominently in the first part of the Chronicles of Hodra, and I got stuck during a scene i was writing on it. So I decided to sketch it out, get a general feel for where everything is in the story. And then I realized I was late on writing a blog post and owed you guys a story update.

The tiny circles are the crystal trees mentioned above. The bigger circles with giant lines coming out of them (that look kind of like broken lightbulbs) are the regular trees… the ‘regular trees’ for Hodra, anyway, which are more like skyscrapers than trees. The things that look like corn feeders are watch towers. (There’s probably a few more than are sketched here), but the ones that are sketched here have spotlights). The boxes with Zs on them are mechs (stands for Zodia).

In the scene I’m stuck on, the Hodran are leading an assault on the Horos base. The story is told partly through the eyes of a Horos soldier, but I had no idea how the space the Horos was in related to the Hodran or where their patrol would be. I decided eventually that the Hodran would go in in a way that they were sure would avoid the mechs – namely, a cluster of crystal trees too close together for the mechs to maneuver properly. See those triangles in the bottom left? Those are Horos and Copai, on patrol. They’re a bigger force than usual since A) [redacted for spoilers] and B) they can’t get mechs in there.

In the center is a massive crystal tree (I’ve got a role in mind for it, but I haven’t decided if it’ll serve a role in this particular book) and a Horos Gate, a rather advanced piece of tech that plays a heavy role in the story

Hope this bit of world-building was worth the minute or two it took to read =) Yes, I am fully aware it’s odd to call it the ‘Aurora wood’ when the trees are crystal, not wood.

(oh, and the text you see there on the right is from the back of the page. They’re notes on the forest itself.)

The Joker’s new design

For those of you who haven’t seen it, there’s a link. Short version: it looks like joker peeled off someone’s face, put it over his own, and hooked his mouth into a permanent grin. I am so glad I don’t read comics.

It’s stupid and I hate it.

I just… who thought this was a good idea?! It’s disturbing, sure, but a rape scene on every page would be disturbing too! That doesn’t mean it’s any good, it just means the person who wrote the damn thing is a sick son of a-

Okay, okay… Calm down. Just… explain.

It’s no secret that the Joker is basically the anti-Batman. A happy, bright exterior and demeanor with an insane black heart of evil personified, contrasted with the dark terrifying exterior with a selfless heart of justice and good. Joker laughs, Batman broods. Joker kills en masse without a second of thought. Batman refuses to kill to the point that he will defy physics to avoid killing someone (see that Red Hood movie). Joker’s vain and loves to talk, Batman prefers to keep his mouth shut and just scare the shit out of you. Both are geniuses, but the Joker uses his genius to break people down, while Batman uses his to build people up… well okay, that last one is more iffy, but you get the idea.

My first problem with this redesign is that it completely ignores this. The joker is supposed to be happy, bright and cheery, laughing his way through exploding cars. Even the Heath Ledger joker, with his scars and evident psychosis in a darker and grittier world, was laughing and smiling and cheering his way through the horrific carnage. (Need I remind everyone of the exploding hospital scene) Now? He looks more disturbing than Batman, a quasi-immortal super ninja who has made it his explicit goal to strike fear into the hearts of men. Sure, he’s got the permanent grin, but it’s clearly meant to be disturbing, and that’s where we have my next problem. The permanent grin.

Now, you may ask why this is such a big deal. After all, you might say, the Joker’s smile is what the character is all about. I just finished saying the character’s a happy, grinny anti-Batman. Let me ask you: How are you supposed to believe the grin if he never frowns?

What makes the Joker disturbing is, ultimately, that he enjoys everything he’s doing. He will kill your daughter in front of you and laugh, cracking a joke about being in bed by nine. One of his most iconic weapons is a poison gas that freezes your face into a permanent grin. (and kills you in several incarnations). And we know he enjoys being a mad lunatic because the smile is completely voluntary. And we know this because, occasionally, he stops smiling. The two moments that spring immediately to mind are his bomb plot on the Vegas strip (see the Justice League Animated series), usually when talking to Flash, and when Terry breaks him by talking in Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker. In both cases, he stops frowning because he’s annoyed or angry. Even if only subconsciously, this reinforces that yes, when he’s smiling, it’s because he’s genuinely happy, not because he’s got his face stuck in a permanent grin. When they gave him the Heath Ledger lip scars, sure, he had a permanent ‘grin’, but aside from the scars, the rest of his mouth could still frown, sneer, do whatever, so it wasn’t too bad. Here… it’s like breaking the glass of a revolving door to unlock it, ya might get in the building but that doesn’t mean the door’s gonna spin!

Do I even NEED to talk about the belt on his head?!

…. I don’t see a problem with the suit, though.

I dunno. Like I said before, I’m not really a comic fan, so I don’t have much business complaining. And maybe comic fans out there actually want this sort of thing. But… look, this still ticks me off. The Joker is one of my favorite villains of all time (Azula from Avatar still comes out on top, but Joker’s up there) and this design feels like an utter butchery that just makes me sick to my stomach.

And not in a good, ‘oh god why am I laughing he just dumped someone in acid’, way.

Prompt: What country should fictional villains be from?

Links to source

The question ‘what country should fictional villains be from’ already misses the damn point.

A fictional character can be from any country you choose, from the real-world city of new york to the fictional middle eastern town of… i dunno, let’s call it Ahcem. But a person from New York isn’t going to be the same as a person from Ahcem, who isn’t going to be the same as a person from Japan, or Brazil, or the United Federation of Planets. A villain from Russia isn’t going to have the same values, skills, plans or goals as a villain from the Sahara Desert, which is why making your villain automatically from a given location missed the point of giving them a place of origin to begin with. A specific country is not, in and of itself, a valid reason to have a villain from there.

If you have a 50 year old communist secret agent turned businessman, it makes sense for him to be from Russia. But – as an example – it doesn’t make much sense to have your Nazi be a time travelling Viking from South Africa. A fictional character’s home and place of origin should say something about who they are. Russia, for instance, has a long history of strong central governments and autocratic rulers, so it would make sense that a Russian man have a strong belief in discipline, unity, the value of the collective over the individual, etc. On the other hand, America has a long history of fighting against a new “crisis” every generation or so, and arguing over the nature of liberty. An American man would be more likely to value individual autonomoy and the power of personal choice. It’s okay for a Nazi to be German (for what I hope are obvious reasons) but it doesn’t mean that a German villain is okay to treat like a Nazi.

So the question becomes ‘what would cause this villain to think this way’. If that is enhanced by a particular nationality, so be it, but the idea that any particular nationality is automatically okay to be a villain is racist, nationalist, AND stupid.

In addition, one must be careful not to fall into stereotyping any particular group. To use a previous example, while it is perfectly possible that someone from Russia would believe in the power of a strong government, it’s also possible they would reject their nation’s ideas entirely and instead be strong proponents of Anarchy, or just in part and urge for a strong welfare state. Or not even particularly care about politics and just be a huge anime geek, who builds giant robots to conquer nations for fun… Better write that one down.

I find it helps to think of particular ideas as influences rather than full-on rules – vikings were encouraged to drink, fight, and worship their pantheon. That doesn’t mean you won’t find a pacifist viking, or one who refuses to drink. It’s just less expected.

(No offense meant – this isn’t a commentary on any particular nationality, I’m just saying that where you grow up and the history of where you grew up influences how you think)

My plan, backup plan and backup backup plan for a zombie outbreak

Assuming that I was home alone and that my first warning of the zombie outbreak would be witnessing the bloated corpses of my fellow man walking down the street… The first thing I would do is immediately run downstairs to grab Dad’s shotgun, as well as any other guns and ammo the family had. I would move around the houses for as long as I felt was safe and gather up as many survivors as I could, as well as their weapons. Flesh-and-blood humans will be a precious resource for the final step. If I found none, I would proceed anyway and hope to god our col-de-sac was just unlucky.

We would then make our way either cars or to the backyard levee, depending on how overrun the col-de-sac is. Either way, we would immediately make for the nearest superstore and find one that isn’t ovverun by zombies. In my area that means Costco, HEB, wal-mart, Sam’s Club (the Sam’s Club is right by Wal-Mart). If we were able to find and secure any of the buildings, we would have a plentiful source of supplies, weapons and food. Our raggedy band would establish a perimeter around the building, assuming we weren’t meeting up with other survivors who had done so already.

Unfortunately there is the possibility that I will be alone and all of the areas I could go to for supplies will be overrun. Fortunately for me, I live near a prison (one of the only times I feel like I can say that with a straight face). I could also do this if it turned out that we didn’t have enough survivors to defend outselves.

When the prisoners discover that the world is overrun by zombies, I imagine they’ll have enough brains to realize that the prison is the best place for them to be: it’s designed to keep people from freely going in and out, has plenty of weapons and the people you find there will range from physically buff to psychotic. (Thank you to my brother for the prison idea) With that (and an agreement to bring supplies to the prison) we’ll have a forward base of operations.

Next comes the gruesome part. We will have to check everyone in whichever area we end up in for zombie bites, and spend several days checking to make sure no one is infected. If anyone appears to be infected, we isolate them immediately. If they turn, we kill them.

My favorite part is what comes next: we go on the hunt. After a week, or after we go about halfway through our (rationed) food supplies (whichever comes first) it’ll be unreasonable to assume that help is coming (if help does come, it renders the following moot, naturally) So instead, we go on the attack. During the day, we’ll send out hunting parties to kill zombies, find survivors, etc etc. The groups will be large enough to defend themselves reasonably well from a group of zombies, but small enough to move quickly so they can be back by night fall. If we don’t have enough ammo for this to be viable, the hunting parties will instead attempt to establish contact with any other survivors (posted signs and such) and attempt to rebuild a small civilization or regain contact with the outside world.

Anything past that, I’d need a specific example.

Logic is just like bone… well, sort of.

One of the problems with regularly watching critics trying to make you laugh such as Linkara or Nostalgia Critic is that you gain a very keen eye for breaks in logic. Now, you may ask why this is a problem. After all, if something in the story doesn’t make sense, it can bring the reader out of the experience. If you find such a break, it should be modified a bit so that the event does make some sense, and the reader can move on. And to an extent, this is true.

The problem is that sometimes logic breaks are necessary for a story. There are a ton of examples in almost every genre out there, but since I’m trying to illustrate a point, let’s look at the James Bond series. How many times has Bond been caught and completely at the villain’s mercy? And how many times has he been left alone for the sharks to eat him or for a laser to slice him in two or something ridiculous like that? And how many times could the villain have just shot Bond in the head and been done with it? Of course, we all know that this is the case because Bond is the main character and has to live, so we ignore it and put up with it. After all, it gives us a tense(ish?) sequence where Bond has to find his way out of the trap, foil the villain’s plots and make sexual innuendo with women that really would be young enough to be his grandaughter if it’s the same Bond every single movie.

Now, there are logic breaks like that in every story out there, especially if you only look at that single story as presented. For example, I friggen LOVE the original Star Wars trilogy (and liked Phantom Menace, if only because it still managed to be entertaining). Here’s a rather famous example of such a logic break: the reason the Death Star didn’t just blow up the Yavin gas giant to get at the Rebel base isn’t really explained in the actual movie. I mean, not only do you get the gas giant out of the way for a clear shot, it’s likely that the moon you just blew up will be thrown out of orbit, which will kill anyone on the planet.

(The actual reason is that the death star needed to charge for… i think a full hour? it was measured in hours, i know that… per shot).

The giant robots that are physically impossible, the shot doesn’t kill but leaves you in that near-death-but-somehow-still-alive state, the music that someone starts on-screen that stays clear no matter where on the planet they go… stories are full of breaks in logic like that.

That’s why story logic is just like bone: it’s meant to take hits, to bend and bruise. So long as one’s suspension of disbelief doesn’t break like a compound fracture, there’s nothing wrong with a few hits.

An open intervention letter to Doctor Who

Dear Doctor Who,

We need to talk.

I’m writing this now because the 50th anniversary is behind us, and we’ve begun the Doctor’s twelfth incarnation. The show is now free to start fresh and go in a new direction with this doctor, and I wish I could say I was thoroughly excited to see this. But… I’m not. I’m really not. More than anything, I’m just tired of watching you, thinking you’ll get better.

I first noticed some of the problems you were having in Asylum of the Daleks, but when I look back, I can see them going back all the way through Moffat’s run on the series. No, I’m not going to spend this letter bashing Moffat – that’s been done often enough on the internet, and Moffat is a good writer. I want to talk about some more systemic problems that run throughout the entire series. Now, I haven’t watched classic who, so this is purely the experience of someone new to the show.

My first actual episode of Doctor Who was the 11th hour, which was recommended to me since it was Matt Smith’s first episode (at the time he was a new doctor), and almost instantly I loved this series. I had looked up some wiki pages and stuff, seen some clips, gotten some general background on the series, but this was my first exposure to an actual episode. I loved Matt Smith’s Doctor with his whimsical behavior, unbridled confidence and sheer brilliance in equal measure. I loved that the episode changed direction at least twice in it’s run (three or four times, really, but who’s counting?) which kept me surprised and on my toes. I loved that it was funny, serious, dramatic, even scary when it had to be. And this continued when I watched the series onward.

When I hit a hiatus, I went back to the ninth doctor and started watching from there. Still loved it (though Rose’s constant presence in the series started to tick me off by the time we got to her THIRD comeback) but something about the villians in the series gave me pause. While their stories were often stupid and nonsensical, there was something about them I liked much more than the villians portrayed in the Moffat era. Exhibit A: The Daleks.

‘Dalek’ is one of the best episodes of New Who in my humble opinion, and anyone who’s seen it can tell you why. The modern update to the iconic monster in this story is incredible and horrifying in equal measure. It’s not easy to make a sliding trash can with a plunger on it scary, but this thing goes on an unstoppable rampage and murders so many so quickly and takes so little damage you can’t help but be intimidated. MrTardisReviews said it best, I think: “This is the Chuck Norris of Daleks.” And this wasn’t the last time they would show up, either. Throughout the RTD era, the Daleks were present at least once a season. And every time, their relationship with the Doctor – the one who wiped out their entire species, and whose species they tried to wipe out – is handled perfectly. They’re used repeatedly throughout the series – some say too much. Despite that, however, their presence always felt significant and important.

That last bit is something that really gets me. See, this is an aspect of the series that the Russel T. Davies era had in spades. While the Doctor is the main character (hence the title) the villains are just as important, if not moreso, in the same vein as Batman. Say what you like about the actual stories, but not once do I recall thinking ‘Why are the daleks even here?!’ or ‘Why is this a cybermen story?’ Not once do I remember an episode where the villains were completely unutilized.

And then we had Asylum of the Daleks. Hey kids, guess what this episode needed more of? THE FRIGGEN DALEKS! The idea of the human-sleeper-agent-daleks was admittedly a pretty cool update to the monsters, but the Daleks are only there at the beginning and end of the episode. And no, I don’t mean that they’re physically gone, I mean that they have no real presence in the story. The focus is entirely on Clara, the Doctor and Amy/Rory’s relationship. Imagine, if you will, a story where Darth Vader showed up only to give a brief bit of exposition at the end, when the story is titled ‘Vader’s Choice’ or something that implies Vader is an actual focus for the story.

This isn’t the first time a villian’s utilization has been poor either. The Cybermen story (whose name escapes me at the moment) that occurs right before 11 goes off to die at Lake Silencio, for instance. The Cybermen’s presence is almost negligible. There’s such little substance to them, I am honestly surprised this story even needed to be told. Sure, I didn’t hate the episode, but the Cybermen are so poorly utilized it actually shocked me. The story of the Daleks in WW2 London (i’m really bad with episode names, sorry) had a conclusion that I thought could probably have worked better as a Cybermen story.

You should never be able to think that about a story with villains as iconic as the Cybermen and Daleks.

The Weeping Angels, however, are by far the most egregious example. The Weeping Angels have had 3 stories which actually focus on them (and really only 1 was great all the way through) but appear in 6 or 7. Once as an illusion, granted, but why did they need to be the illusion in question? Or in the snow in the most recent christmas special?

Second, continuity. Moffat loves to play fast and loose with continuity, and sometimes that’s okay. Doctor Who’s version of A Christmas Carol (I really need to start looking these names up) is pretty good in my humble opinion, and it’s only even possible because of how loosely it plays with how time travel in Doctor Who is supposed to work. In other cases, however, the retcons become so blatant and pointless I have to wonder what the point of even trying to follow the story is if everything in it can be changed on a whim. The example I’m about to show you ties into the third point, however: the mystery box.

So, Clara. The impossible girl that dies twice in front of the Doctor’s eyes. Then he meets her again in modern times. We find out over the course of his time with her that the reason he’s met her twice is because she steps into his unravelled time stream/grave (not really clear on what exactly that was) at Trenzalore, a grave made for him there after his final battle. So, what’s wrong with this you ask? The Doctor lives when he goes to the aforementioned battle of Trenzalore. So his grave can’t be there. And before that, it was a fixed point that he would die at Lake Silencio. Except he lived through that. (this one, the audience actually got to see both times) The entire series is full of retcons and changes like that that utterly remove any tension. Everything is going to be alright, everything’s fine, no reprecussions for anything.

As for the mystery box… Moffat likes to put mystery boxes inside mystery boxes. You learn there’s a mystery, find the answer to the mystery, as well as a new mystery. Thing is, the new mysteries start to contradict the old ones. Okay. So Silence will fall when the Pandorica opens? Holy shit the universe just vanished, that’s-… Oh wait, the Silence are aliens invading the earth that have been manipulating us for millenia to get a speacsuit, what do they need it for?… oh wait, no, they’re a church run by humans (then why did they do millennia of manipulation?) that are waging war on the doctor… Now they’re a rogue sect within that church…

That’s one example, but it’s hardly the only one.

And then there’s the blockbuster format. I’ll be blunt: It’s not working. Doing one big episode just doesn’t work for every story. Some need to be longer than the 45 minutes or so allotted for each episode. So many stories since you began this format have just felt underdeveloped and in serious need of expansion. Sure, some work great for a single episode, but to do so for all your episodes… well, there’s a reason we have different size shirts: some need bigger, some need smaller.

Look, I love Doctor Who. But you’re really messed up right now, and you need help. This new series is a chance for you to start clean. Make it count, please. I’ll be here for ya.

-A concerned fan

PS. Sorry if this feels a little rambly. I think I got incoherent at the end there.

The most psychotic letter ever

Dear Detective Thatcher,

I write in response to your request for more information regarding the incident at Central Park on Monday the 12th of May, in which I called an ambulance in response to both spousal abuse and stab wounds. As you are no doubt aware, the victims were not married, several of the wounds were clearly animal inflicted and both recieved no less than 12 stab wounds before the police arrived. I do apologize – I’m afraid I underestimated their endurance and the zeal of Killer.

At approixmately 7:22am on the day in question, I was on my morning jog with my dog, Killer. The voices had told me that today was a good day to carry my Ka-Bar short fighting knife (the roughly 5in blade you found as the assault weapon) and I didn’t really question them. At that time, I noticed a couple having a heated argument on a bench. As I passed, the female (Miss Jones) proceeded to punch her boyfriend, screaming about how he was a “lieing sack of shit.” His response was to roar about how she was “the most hypocritical whore [he had] ever seen.” The two began to punch and kick at each other, clearly enraged.

Naturally I assumed they were about to have sex in the park. As you know, such displays are illegal to perform in public, so I pulled out my phone and called the police, ready to report public sex and six stab wounds. As the phone began to ring, I noticed that while the two were punching each other like madmen, their clothes remained on, so I changed my assumption from ‘public sex’ to ‘spousal abuse’. You have the call on record, so I won’t go into how that went.

When I hung up the couple noticed me for the first time. I hurried while I still had the element of surprise and stabbed the woman in the stomach, as she seemed to me to be the instigator of the brawl. As she fell and heaved I then stabbed her legs in order to ensure she would not leave before the police arrived.

Mr.Wilson, on the other hand, knew I was coming at that point and proceeded to tackle me to the ground. I maintained my grip on my knife, however, so I was able to stab him in the ribcage. Unfortunately, this is when I recieved my most grevious facial injury as his response was to punch me. Naturally I sliced his face up as well. Eye for an eye and all that.

Killer, sadly, had chosen to renact the torture I performed on him as a puppy to Miss Jones. I apologize to her for the inconvenience of the torn skin and infected bites and will gladly cover her hospital bills for both, as well as properly punish Killer by allowing her to bite and tear his skin.

I then stabbed Mr.Wilsons’ legs so he could not leave either (I am nothing if not an equal opportunist), and waited for the police to arrive. The officers you sent to the scene appeared to be rookies, as one of them hurled and the other proceeded to scream that I was a maniac. Honestly: a maniac! Do you not teach your officers how to deal with civilians?

My apologies, sir, I mean no disrespect, it simply strikes me as odd they would know so little about proper police conduct.

Anyway, I believe that accounts for all of their injuries.

Have a nice day,
Sarkhan Manson
PS. It’s possible the legal name change hasn’t gone through yet. If so, please be aware that Charles Blonde was my birth name.

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Just to be perfectly clear this is a work of fiction. I did not actually stab anybody. If there is a Detective Thatcher, I have never met him.